Pretty Hurts
by wwill
Summary: Lindsay is tired of not being herself. Rated T for possibly triggering themes of self harm and depression. Beyoncé songfic.


**AN; Second songfic! This one is mainly because I am obsessed with both Beyoncé and Lindsay... so, yeah.**

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 _Ms. Third ward, your first question. What is your aspiration in life?_

 _Oh... My aspiration in life ... would be ... to be happy._

Lindsay never originally cared about her appearance. She was carefree, whether she was beautiful or not. She wasn't the smartest. But she was happy. One day, her mother decided to make her wear dresses and makeup. She was told she was too stupid to not be pretty. Otherwise she'd have nothing going for her. Her mother told her niceness was appreciated, but not to make her successful. Lindsay started thinking she was the problem. It drilled a hole into her. She always just wanted to be happy.

 _Mama said, "You're a pretty girl, what's in your head, it doesn't matter."_

Even though she wasn't the smartest, she always strived to do better and learn more. Until that one fateful discussion. She thought her parents were right. She strived to be pretty. Instead of smart. She threw away grades, because she thought she was too dumb to do it. She almost cried just thinking about it. But she put on a mask. **[1]** She made people think she was okay. That all she needed was makeup. She knew deep down she needed more. She just tried to convince herself she didn't. She always wanted to please her parents.

 _"Brush your hair, and fix your teeth. What you wear, is all that matters."_

Lindsay eventually began priding herself in clothing. Thriving on compliments. Not because that was the person she was. Because it was the only recognition she ever got. She was constantly ignored at home. The only time she got noticed was when she was forced to enter pageants by her mother. She won first in every single pageant she did. But it started to fill that hole that was drilled into her. Well, temporarily. Lindsay thought the way to get what she wanted was by being pretty. That was the whole reason she wanted to compete in Total Drama Island. Because she thought her looks would get her far.

 _Just another stage, pageant the pain away._

Lindsay eventually pushed herself into a spiral of depression. But she refused to accept it. She convinced herself she was happy. She wore this mask so much, that she started to think it was her real face. She used pageants to temporarily fill that hole. Like bricks without cement building a house. It would work for a little while, but then it would crumble. Her life was back and forth. She never was happy. She just convinced herself. At school, things got worse. She fell into the habit of answering things wrong on purpose just so she could try to use her beauty, since it was her only advantage, to get a higher grade. She was turning into exactly who her mother wanted her to be. Not who she wanted to be.

 _This time I'm gonna take the crown, without falling down._

Slowly, this started impacting her self esteem. The days she didn't look beautiful, she took it out on herself. Like she was some sort of freak. Because that's what she was taught to believe about herself. Lindsay used to be a confident, nice girl. She traded all of that in for beauty. It made her spineless. She slowly forgot how to say no. She was a pushover. She took the crown in every pageant. But she wanted to take the crown... and be herself.

 _Pretty hurts, we shine the light on whatever's worse._

Being pretty hurt her more than it helped her. But it was a cage, she could not break out no matter how hard she tried. She started hurting herself. She got a lot of attention from guys. But not for the right reasons. They just wanted sex with her. It's strange... It was having the beauty, not wanting it, that made her do all this. The blades she used to cut her skin became her only friends... The blood she spilled became the only truth in her life. Total Drama Island however... Changed that. Lindsay started to make some friends.

 _Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse. We try to fix something, but we can't fix what we can't see._

She got onto Total Drama Island. Even Chris acknowledged she was the prettiest. But that got her no farther. At first, that made her upset. But then she realised, this is what she needed. A reality check. She wasn't super smart. Or strategic. But she was so nice to everyone. And she had no conflict with anyone! One of the only people on the show everyone had at least SOMETHING nice to say about. And not even about her looks. About her personality. Sure, sometimes people remarked about her intelligence. But for every mean spirited comment, there were twice as many nice comments. And she had one enemy. And that wasn't even anything to do with her personality, just the canivingness of Heather! Lindsay was happy. She had so many friends on the show. And even if she didn't win, like she said in Total Drama Action, friends are way more important than a measly sum of money. Something she never had. Friends. She was never alone again. Lindsay was so happy. She even had a boyfriend, who loved her for her. She had finally done it. She had ripped off that mask. She still was beautiful. But she stopped caring whether she was or not.

 _It's the soul that needs the surgery._

She finally had the thing she needed. Herself back. What people thought? Didn't matter. What her parents thought? Didn't matter. What she thought? Did matter. She still put on her makeup the same. And her dresses. And she did everything the same. But she didn't have those bad thoughts. She didn't self harm. She didn't cry herself to sleep at night. She tried at school. She tried in everything she did. She stopped doing pageants. And she started being Lindsay. And she had everything she could ever want.

 _Blonder hair, flat chest._

Lindsay didn't conform to the standards her parents wanted her to anymore.

 _TV says "Bigger is Better."_

Lindsay stopped listening to everyone else.

 _South beach, sugar free._

Lindsay stopped thinking about what other people thought.

 _Vogue says "Thinner is better."_

Lindsay didn't care what she looked like.

 _You stripped away the masquerade._

Lindsay had finished using this mask.

 _The illusion has been shed._

Lindsay didn't need to be beautiful to be happy.

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 **AN: I really enjoyed writing this. It got kind of dark, but I love writing sad stories with happy endings.**

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 **[1] The whole thing about the mask was a reference to the story that got me into fanfiction and the story this was inspired by "The Mask" by Anna or, Everything I Liked Was Taken. Thanks to her for getting me into fanfiction and writing such a great story.**


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